Don't Judge

So Ashley posted this on her blog and it's late and I'm bored so here it is:

DIRECTIONS: COPY AND PASTE, AND FILL IN YOUR ANSWERS.
PUT YOUR IPOD/ITUNES ON SHUFFLE, AND FOR EACH SONG THAT POPS UP, GIVE A MEMORY WITH THAT SONG OR AN EXPLANATION OF IT, NO MATTER WHICH SONG!

1. Forward Motion by Relient K

Man, Middle School for sure. I was OBSESSED with Relient K. They were the only band I listened to for YEARS. I love their lyrics. They are SO witty and great. This song is particularly great since every time I hear it the lyrics totally resonate with what I'm going through.... I love the line "Experience the bittersweet, then brush my teeth." Hilarious. Doesn't get better than these guys. I know that this is one of those bands that I'll play for my kids and they'll just laugh.... Like I do when my dad talks about how great Rush and Yes are.

2. Note to Self by From First to Last

Hahaha I'm almost embarrassed I own this song. Totally Sophomore/ early Junior year when I was pretty sure I was gonna be and emo kid forever. I remember suffering through crap music like this (although I will say there are times when it sounds SO good. And this probably the best screamo song out there) thinking that the longer I listened the more I would like it... What a joke. From First to Last, Hawthorne Heights, and Story of the Year... SHEESH!

3. Undignified by David Crowder

Reminds me of those (in hindsight) super cheesy Christian summer camps like Snowbound and High Altitude. I loved it all. High Alt was probably the first time I was introduced to Crowder. I remember the band being like "Who like David Crowder?" and everyone went NUTS. I had no idea who he was. But I remember being REALLY into it and jumping around and screaming the 'HEY' parts when queued. Great times! Still love this song.

4. Take My Hand by Shawn McDonald

I can't come up with words to say how much I LOVE Shawn McDonald. If he ever wrote a book I would venture to say that it would beat BOTH Rob Bell and Shane Claiborne on my top 10 list, and if you know me that's astounding. This song was the start of a deep love for chill acoustic worship without the big production. I remember listening to this over and over and over day after day and it's still not old. But I will say I like some of his other stuff a lot better. But this song could cheer me up, calm me down, anything if I needed it to. Super great sound. I would recommend you listen to it right now if you haven't heard it yet.

5. Southern Weather by The Almost

I definitely think of Zack when I hear this band. They are just straight up great. I am NOT a fan of Underoath but this side project is freaking BOMB. This some make me think of Katherine Shimel. This was her ringtone in NOLA one year which is just really weird that I remember. But I know we would cruise with the windows down blasting stuff like this screaming at the top of our lungs in our teen angst. And it was beautiful. I absolutely loved those days and wish I had them back.

6. We Fly High by Jim Jones

Junior year for sure. JV LAX captain. Killer season. This was on our warm up mix and I had it written on a pair of shoes I had. I pulled my Explorer up to the field one practice and we jammed to this while we practiced our shots. It felt like I was in one of those inner-city-sports-team-that-overcomes-the-odds movies and this was the soundtrack to it. Don't ask why I saw that movie taking place at LP. But this song defined my first year of having a license and I thought I was the SHIT because I could blast this without anyone doing a thing about it.

Oh and I still know all the words

7. Never Wake Up by Sum 41

Yea, story of my life ha. Reminds me of Emily last year in the dorms. We frequently listened to Sum and though about being young again. I love the angst!

8.The First by Tegan and Sara

First heard this Freshman year of college. I would listen to it while riding the RTD to work before I had a car. It's such a strong song. I have no idea what it's about but I like it. In the early albums they sound a lot like Allanis Morisette and I love the raw sound. They are proof that there may be hope for chick bands. Like Ashley said: Chick bands are like Communism; good idea but never works. But she forgot about the USSR. They rocked Communism. Teagan and Sara= the USSR of chick bands- all the sucking that comes with Communist leaders.

9. Baby, It's Fact by Hellogoodbye

Summer one year. Couldn't tell you which. I bought this CD to give to Steph for her birthday and started listening to it and kept it instead... Oops. I don't know what I got her instead but this CD was pretty good back then. I can't handle too much of it anymore. Kinda like how kids LOVE those sugary candies like push pops and now that we're old it's just too much and we can only take so much.

10. Tie My Hands by Lil' Wayne

This definitely brings to mind Chuckie before anything else. But there's more to it than that. He loved Lil' Wayne when we were dating and I bought this CD so we could listen to it when we hung out. This is a REALLY powerful song. As much as I don't really like rap, this song is fantastic. Kinda like that one Tupac song that everyone samples now. It's about NOLA and Katrina and how they are all gonna overcome it and rise above. Having worked there a lot, I can see this song in people's eyes! I would recommend you listen to it at least if you're not gonna buy it.

"They try to tell me to keep my eyes open, my whole city underwater, some people still floating. And they wonder why black people still votin' 'cause your President still chokin'" Killer!

11. Richman by 3OH!3

Such a great song by itself. Saw these guys in concert and it blew my mind. Talk about stage presents. Plus it was local so it was just THAT much better. Those guys were hilarious and super energetic. I felt like I went to high school with them or something. This songs just funny and got a great beat. One of their better tunes.

12. So Happy Together by The Beatles

Reminds me of Freaky Friday, the remake with Lindsay and Jamie. I wish it had a better memory with it but it is what it is. That's it. There's not much to say besides that. The Beatles are just amazing and everyone knows it.

13. God Must Hate Me by Simple Plan

Ha 8th grade! Songs full of teenage angst before we even knew what it was. This make me remember all the times me and Emily drove down 225 to or from Aurora while we screamed this song super super off key and sounded awful and we would just bust out laughing because we really don't know the words or how to sing! It made a pretty funny video too.

14. It Ends Tonight by All-American Rejects

I really can't see any memory going with this song. Just the music video. But it's an okay song despite the fact that its done by All-American Rejects. I kinda dig it. It'll end up on one of those back-in-the-day shows on VH1 probably and me and my husband will laugh about it.

15. Face Down by Red Jumpsuit Apparatus

Let me just start this by saying that I knew these guys before EVERYONE!!! Yes, even you. I used to watch hours of IMF (International Music Feed) and bands like this were always on it. I heard this and 30 Seconds to Mars probably 6 months before their music was played popularly. But this song is pretty bomb. One of those PSA type songs which I always love. It's nice to see the good guys get a hit by standing up for what's wrong.

16. Lillian by Plus 44

Another band Zack helped me find. They rock. I love them. I want their musical babies. Super original and new. Great lyrics that make no sense sometimes. Good calm song that reminds me of Monument. "The place I used to live made me feel like a tourist"

17. Feeling This by Blink-182

Reminds me of Emily hands down. She loves Blink and loves this song. There's a really fast part that she can do all in almost one breath. "This place was never the same again after you came and went how can you say you meant anything different to anyone. Standing alone on the street with a cigarette on the first night we met. Looked to the past and remembered a slime and maybe tonight I can breathe for a while. I'm not in the scene. I think I'm fallin' asleep and then all that I mean is I'll always be dreamin' of you!" I'm very proud she can do that.

18. Fiddle With the Volume by Lady Sovereign

Just a wonderful song to cruise to with the bass turned up too loud. She's such a good artist I think. One of the most underestimated rappers right now. She's a chick and knows she's and underdog. But she doesn't try to separate herself from the guys. Oh and she's British so there's bonus points. And she does not take herself seriously at ALL. And she has Twitter... a few more points.

19. Send My Love to the Dancefloor by Cobra Starship

I just started listening to these guys when I was in Denver. Mostly on the RTD going to work. They have a nice groove. Like 3OH!3 with their ADD meds. I really like them. But I need to be in the mood. Again an artist that could really care less what people think about them

20. Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely by The Backstreet Boys

Really does anything need to be said? All I know is that this song really confuses me. I feel like he's asking this girlfriend to dump him? I just don't understand his motives.

21. Hammers and Hearts by Daphne Loves Derby

Katherine hands down. We both love them and listen to them together a lot. They are good. Real good.

22. Always by Blink-182

Reminds me of what I wish to have at some point. It's that feeling you have after a great night with a guy you are really falling for. I love that feeling and it's a total rush. I want to find a guy were every night is like that... forever. Even when were 78 and old and frail.

23.A Bay Bay by Hurricane Chris.

Another song that defined driving around with the speakers way too loud blowing out my parents bass in a car that wasn't mine even though I said it was. But the best memory of this song is when we were in NOLA one summer and these guys were on a balcony in the French Quarter and started yelling "A Bay Bay" at a bunch of us girls. It was so hilarious

24. Umbrella (Travis Barker Remix) by Rihanna
This version is pretty good. Super unique. And the original is great minus all the domestic violence that was going on in the background of it.

25. Admit It!! by Say Anything

What a hilarious song. It's mostly a narrative with some punk-ish background with a few chorus' thrown in. It's basically these two guys bashing any fad clique that works. Could be the Emo kids, could be the hipsters, could be the hippies. But I think there's a bigger idea behind it. Basically, I think the thing they wanna say is just be who you are because when it comes down to it life sucks whether you're in the fad clique or not so you might as well be genuine about it sucking.

I Pledge Allegiance....

The old Pledge of Allegiance (note the original capitalization):

I pledge allegiance to the flag

Of the United States of America

And to the Republic,

For which it stands,

One Nation, under God, indivisible

With Liberty and Justice for all.

My new Pledge of Allegiance:

I pledge allegiance to a God

who is bigger than the united states of america

and its republic.

Who stands for

all nations, with God, indestructable

with liberty and justice for all.

Beatittudes

Blessed are the poor 

For theirs is the kingdom

Blessed are those who mourn 

For they will be comforted

And blessed are the meek 

For they will inherit the earth

And blessed are those who hunger and thirst 

For they will be filled

Blessed are the merciful 

For they will be shown mercy

Blessed are the pure in heart 

For they will see God Almighty

And blessed are the peacemakers 

For they will be called His children

And blessed are the persecuted 

For they will inherit the Kingdom of Heaven

The lyrics of Shawn McDonald's song "Hallelujah" are a direct echo of Jesus' words during his Sermon on the Mount. I love it. I think these verses perfectly encapsulate the core of Christianity. I think that's exactly what Jesus was looking to do. To tell people that they don't need to clamor for Earth's so called "riches" when it means they will lose their soul, integrity, and eventually their life. I think the other great thing about it is it shows that we don't need to improve ourselves to be blessed. We dont need to drive the best car, wear the best clothes, have the biggest house, be the highest in power, know the important people or anything like that. We just need to come as we are. 

The next big thing that's been on my mind is what it would look like the honestly live that that. To give away all possesions, to mourn for the things that hurt, to endure hardship brought on by others with patience and without resentment, to be hungry and thirst for righteousness (can imagine wanting righteousness as badly as you want Chipotle after a long day?), to be compassionate to those who don't deserve it, to stay away from all things corupt, to keep peace when enraged beyond belief, to be okay with being judged and ridiculed just for being you. How incredible would your life be? I can not even imagine. What would it be like to wake up each morning and commit whole heartedly to living in such a way? Can you imagine waking up and selling all the absurd clothes that you never wear? To let it slide when people dear to you attack you with words that hurt? And to think that for those small things you are promised a kingdom, to be comforted, the whole world, to be filled, shown mercy, see God, be called a child of THE God, and to have all of Heaven at your fingertips. Sounds like a pretty sweet deal.

If only we weren't so humanly flawed...... 

Politics

I was asked recently if I was a Democrat or Republican. Usually this is a pretty simple question to answer but considering I've been reading "The Irresistible Revolution" it wasn't. Let me just say that the ideas presented in this book are so hippie and radical. I surprise myself while reading this book because I find the ideas so invigorating and its like Shane Claiborne's words are breathing a whole new alien life into my day. I guess the best way to describe it would be it someone discovered a new sense to accompany sight, smell, taste, touch etc. It is an idea that is entirely incomprehensible at first but if it were ever to be tangible and experience it would seem so natural and obvious. 

That is what this book is like. No one would in their right mind would sell everything they own and go live with 10 other people in a house, and share all the money and possessions with no claim of anything being solely theirs. But when you hear Shane talk about time when him and his housemate threw thousands of dollars into Time Square, you can see it as a practical, feasible action.

But back to what I was saying... When asked my politic feelings I remembered something that Shane said in his book. He talked about whether your not to be loyal to your political leaders or your spiritual leader. He says that if we are to be patriotic then we are to support the war. But if we are to be Jesus-followers, then we should be standing in opposition screaming that that war is killing loads of innocent people. Many of which are our brothers and sisters in Christ, whether they are of American descent, or Arab descent (Let's remember that Iraq is in the same area that Christianity started. It is NOT an American invention).

I didn't know whether to say I don't care about politics (which would be a lie considering I felt very strongly about who I wanted to win the '08 election), whether to say I was a Democrat simply because that's how I would have voted had I been able to, or whether to say that I was Republican simply because I knew that was answer they were looking for.

In most cases I try to skirt any strict, controversial, opinion based sides when asked. I try to not show that I strongly agree with gay marriage in a legal sense. I do my best not to come right out and tell people that I would rather let women kill fetus' with the help of a doctor than let them do it themselves and potentially kill themselves. The reason for this is ultimately because I was raised in a community that was composed of people who all disagreed. 

If any of you went to LP you probably remember day in History classes where the class would go to different sides of the room depending on how they felt about a certain controversial issue. This was especially prevalent in Mr. Ewig's classes, mostly during election years. I remember how I would pick the popular side as an underclassmen just so I didn't have to be ridiculed by the class, even when I thought most of them were idiots. I then remember picking the side I actually stood for as I became older and the only thing I got from that was a trampled self-esteem after leaving class since I just had 3/4 of the class dissing on me and very deeply seeded beliefs.

I suppose not wanting to state a side aloud come from a horrible habit of avoiding all conflict at ALL costs. Whether that means lying, being sneaky,or anything else I normally wouldn't do. I simply HATE fighting. And the longer I live the more I see that most fighting comes from discussions regarding politics.

So when asked where I stand on the fine line between liberal and conservative I said who I would have voted for but that I simply find many things more meaningful than sitting arguing about whether our nation can handle a black president or whether Palin has enough foreign policy experience. I simply think that we should start thinking for ourselves. Don't stand by Bush just because you registered as a Republican. If you don't agree with the war and you voted for him that's just fine. There is nothing wrong with that. If you don't like that Obama is handing out bailouts because you don't think it's gonna do anything, then don't support it just because you like everything else about him. 

I suppose that goes the other way too. If you HATE Obama with a passion but totally agree with his opinion about gay rights, then give him props for it. You don't have to marry the guy, but don't hold a grudge just because McCain lost and you love him and Palin more than life itself. And if you hated Bush for everything he ever did, but agree that we needed the war in Iraq to stop terrorism in our own country, don't trash talk him at your Pro-Choice rallies.

People need to start standing up for what THEY think is right, not what a party line tells them is correct and even more importantly, if you say you are a Christian, I strongly think that you need to stand for whatever your allegiance with GOD says is right. If you truly believe that we are not to murder and that Jesus was a peace maker and if you REALLY believe that the peacemakers will be given peace then you need to stick to that, no matter how unpatriotic that makes you look. Just remember the fact the Jesus died for being unpatriotic. That was his crime. Treason. He said he was God in an empire who's citizen were forced to worship their Emperor, Caesar. 

I guess the whole point of this is that we need to put our allegiances in perspective. We need to be Christ followers BEFORE we are patriots. No matter how controversial that is. Plus if you're looking to steer clear of controversy, you're in the wrong religion bud.

Worth It!

This was written in New Orleans by me at 12:30 am on January 7 of this year. It was the beginning of a great adventure. So here it is:

We're sitting in an ER waiting room. Never have oxymorons been so apparent to me. With a place that is normally dull and depressing, a poor, dying, alcoholic, old, wasted, broken, homeless man by the name of Robert Ray Spring is entertaining and lively, cheering us up, a group of 8 college kids. We're wasting our night sitting with him hoping he gets into detox before it's 3 am. We're all exhausted and sleep deprived but we wouldn’t want to be anywhere else. This is what NOLA's all about. Sitting in horrible conditions all out of pure untainted love for the people here. It doesn’t matter what they've done or where they've been. Its all about where we can help them go. If it’s a better place than they're going to right now, then is SO worth it. As long as the end destination is even a fraction of an inch different from before, its worth it. Worth sacrificing sleep, worth spending countless hours in uncomfortable chairs, sitting on cold cement, getting soaked with rain, smelling awful, being broke from giving too much, getting sick from shaking too many hands, missing meals from spending too much time on the streets. Its all what we live for! Its so worth every missed materialistic moment is worth a second of a changed life. WORTH IT!

Some things to get off my chest...

The Beginning...

was on myspace because i was bored to death.

checked the recent bulletins.

saw a survey-type thing.

found the idea interesting.

replicated it here where it is not as dumb.

The Idea...

write ten things...

about ten people...

that you wish you could tell them...

right now...

The Replication...

1...i love you more than i can describe

and more than you can understand.

that will never change no matter what.

i never go a day without thinking of you

and then saying a little prayer...

just for you!

things will get better... i promise

you have got me to lean on and i will lean on you too

please do not forget the Big Man!

PLEASE!

i think you will find comfort there,

more than you expect

and there will not be shame.

He loves you more than anything.

He will never give up on you,

EVER!

give Him at least a small shot.

you got to give Him some more credit, dear;

He did create the entire universe, remember?

2...i am glad there is closure now.

things were good.

but i wish they were better now.

i miss you.

wish we could talk.

i would like that best friend back.

but it will never happen.

and i am pretty happy about that.

3...you are THE most influential person in my life.

i am glad you did not know me before.

i am glad you have forced change in my life.

sorry i bring you down.

can not wait until we are old together.

you are no good at singing,

but you are better than me.

this summer is going to suck,

but we can not let it change a single thing.

some huge stuff is going on around you,

please do not miss it!

PLEASE!

things will work out.

plus even if they do not,

we are here to catch you when you fall.

4...i wish you knew.

it is causing a rift.

i still will not tell you though.

5...i need to get over it.

it is not worth the effort.

it is too draining to keep up with.

it could have been there but it is not.

it would have been fun.

bye.

6...i do not know why but you have me hooked again.

you are the rock.

what could have been is the hard place.

i am stuck awkwardly in the middle,

wondering what to do next.

maybe in a year or two.

or maybe now.

who knows.

can't wait!

7...you remind me of me back then.

you have great potential.

you are hilarious.

please do not join a gang.

8...i love how it will never work,

but i realized that you are the one who sees me every night;

the amazing one.

too bad baking soda and vinegar is messy.

sometimes it is fun though.

can not wait to see you tonight.

blow me away.

9...do not be bitter.

you are simply unhappy with yourself.

change it!

quit taking it out on other people.

do not waste your life just because you do not know what to do.

sorry, but your dreams are out of reach

you are better somewhere else.

i still believe in you though.

there is potential under that hard shell.

i will not break it though.

not my place.

10... if you want to stop then stop.

it is that simple.

screw everyone else.

no one will hate you for it.

you may even make new friends.

do not do something stupid and dangerous simple because you can.

you have other options.

it is not the only thing that will help.

it makes it worse.

stopping will help.

i will be here to talk.

STOP!

The Conclusion..

all of these would be better said in person.

saying them in person would get me:

fired.

embarrassed.

insulted.

labeled "creeper".

called "heart-breaker"...again.

relief.

results.

but still, i have no backbone.

some things are better kept to myself.

i would sound crazy blurting these out in regular conversation.

i LOVE this format.

i use too many ellipses.

I Think You Should Hear This:

In light of the fact that I leave for New Orleans for my 5^th trip in about 30 hours I thought it would be appropriate to write a new blog. This is both in preparation for the trip and in reflection of the recently deceased year of 2008.

2008 brought lots of changes and new decisions to be made. It started with a NOLA trip. One that started full of fear and apprehension and ended in a new found confidence, outlook and certainty about life. I was the only student on the trip who was not legally considered an adult yet and only one of two students who had not yet received their diploma from High School. I want to just straight up thank Brooke Howard for being there with me as the only non-college kid on the trip. You really were great to talk to and unload my apprehensions on. Despite these obvious drawbacks I quickly learned the ropes and learned to fit in fine with my older cohorts. I was constantly reminded of the verses that say things about how you must be like children, except this time I didn’t feel like I need to BECOME the child… I felt I WAS the child. The trip completely threw me for a loop and I was quickly thrown into another world I had never seen before. I felt I had become part of the nomadic homeless that roved the River walk of the French Quarter. The trip ended too quickly but the effects, thankfully, did not.

Soon after, a boy was thrown into my life as well. In short, he changed everything. I was experiencing new things, mindsets, and views all the time with him. He accompanied through the last semester of high school which flew by quite quickly. Unfortunately, I was not speedy enough to keep up with it. I failed the semester miserably, having to go in the day before graduation to plead and beg for a pleading Calculus grade. (Thankfully I was successful, and had been accepted to college already) We won’t talk about my GPA for the mentioned semester.

With graduation out of the way and a new NOLA trip, I realized how ridiculous my life had become. How many compromises I’d made. How complacent I had become. Needless to say it was time for some changes and some big ones at that. NOLA was a blast! Ron asked me to give me a speech about charity and I personally thought it was a great experience. I had never presented my own ideas about a subject, let alone one of such weight, to more than a group of 5 or so friends. Let’s not get into the fact that this speech was to be given to a group of 90+ high-schoolers, half of which I did not know. I was also put in a position where I was responsible of the lives of at least 3 other people who were usually younger than me. I chose to lead them into some sketch situations to say the least. Chilling with drunk, drugged out, belligerent, and/or mentally disable homeless men is probably not what these kids parents had in mind when they sent their children off for a week of spiritual enlightenment in the beautiful city of New Orleans. And I'm sure the idea of ME of all people being in charge of their safety might concern at least one parent in the town of Monument, but in my defense, as far as I know, no one was ever hurt under my supervision. During the trip one thing became evident. Life had to change. The next epiphany that came was one that the male in my life was not going to help that cause and would likely do more hindering. Thanks goes out to Holly Mikulas for the chit- chat we had on that statue in Lafayette Square one afternoon while we were there. The trip was over and my life was different as far as I was concerned. Soon thereafter my boy was gone and it was the right choice.

College snuck up on me and I walked down the blue halls of my new dorm with tentativeness about each new roommate. Let’s just say I was dead wrong about every one of them. Each held a new view of life that my narrow view of life growing up in Monument had never seen. Living with them has been a thrill to say the least! Emily Miller-Dawson is hands down the best living mate I could have been given and I'm so thankful I left things up to chance. Things seem to go better that way. More evidence that my plans for my life basically suck and I should just leave them up to the person in charge. Nicole Bozas is by far the peace maker and helps keep us all cool headed and objective. Samiat Agunbiade (yes, I spelled that without looking it up) makes life and adventure and definitely the humor of the group. The neighbors, Kate Pogonyi and Kayla Buchanan, are great. They are almost always in a great mood (when they aren’t fighting with each other… love you guys) and we have secret codes that we knock to each other through the wall at ridiculous hours of the night.

I’d say that’s a great start to a new year in a new city at a new school with new people. But along with all those changes and new things came more new things. I’m not going to sit here and pretend that college life hasn’t affected me because that would be a lie. I’m not going to act like in the perfect kid that every parent brags about at church and shows up all their friends’ kids who are party mongers. I’ll be straight up and tell you that I became that typical college kid. Now if you’re sitting her reading this and you live in Denver like me, then none of this is a shocker to you. To those in Monument and I’m sure my mom, because I can guarantee she is reading this, this may be a shock to you, especially those of you in the Roots/FRCC circle. But I really don’t see why it is, no one’s perfect as much as I’d like to be. Although most of you may to shocked to hear stories of Halloween and my 18^th Birthday where alcohol was the main attraction and most of those two night were a massive blur of strangers I didn’t know and me and Emily’s famous “Alcohol Water”, its nowhere near as bad as the two weeks I committed to smoking pot almost every night with friends much to Emily’s disappointment (I’m still sorry about that, Em). Those two weeks are a blur that could be compiled into one short day in my memory which includes taking an IQ test, sneaking into a Hookah Bar underage, Goodtimes’ custard, and Lucy. We won’t get started about when I started smoking and soon thereafter quit because it’s disgusting/stupid not to mention the issue of the scent it leaves behind (very hard to sneak past the parents).

Now to justify this, as if it’s justifiable, it’s all done with. I came up with this ridiculous plan that was just that: ridiculous. To start the explanation we must travel to the Amish society. Track with me here real quick. When an Amish teenager turns 16, they go through a process called Rumspringa. In short they stop being Amish. They all but leave to community that they have grown up in. They go out into the world that they have never experienced. They drive cars, use electricity, do drugs, wear normal clothes, drink, party, the whole shebang. The reason they do this is basically because they are released from the rules they were raised with. They are pretty close to living as they wish. While there are drawbacks, such as the occasional teen being evicted or even completely estranged from their family during their time of their transgressions, they are ultimately left to decide whether or not they will join the Amish church for life or leave it for life. Most return to their home after running amuck. Now, let me clarify that this semester of ridiculous behavior on my part was not in any way me abandoning my faith nor were the actions fueled by me flirting with become anything other than Christian. I already have made the decision to be a Christian and fully and completely believe that there is a God out there who loves me more completely than anyone here on Earth could. I also solemnly believe that this guy named Jesus died so I could be free for eternity.

These actions were motivated by the fact that I had seen so many people in high school and elsewhere that said they were Christians but were simply complacent about it. Now understand that I am in no way saying that these people weren’t Christian or were not living right, that’s not up to me. They had no problem saying one thing and doing another, discovering the same thing I did and taking it completely differently. I became devout, going to church every Sunday, the Vine every Wednesday, Roots every Thursday and occasionally theMILL on Fridays. I hung with a primarily Christian crowd and never dabbled in the other sects at school. The other people I saw would say they were Christians if you asked them but didn’t be bound by the same rules I was. Now I’ve never had a problem with the rules I signed up for. I’m actually pretty happy about them. It’s easier to do something because an omniscient power tells you so rather than a mom or a DARE speaker or even yourself. I wanted to see if it really was as easy as they made it seem. And simply put, it’s not at all easy for me to do. It drove me nuts having that nagging feeling in the back of my head perpetually. It was way worse than when you accidentally tell a secret or lie to your best friend. This was constant regret which I personally can’t live with. But sadly enough it did start to get easier as time passed. Basically the decision has been made that it’s time to back to how it was before. I'm down with going back to the days when 15 of us would show up at Chipotle after church and someone would say “Let’s go there are too many effing churches in here”.

I understand that puts me under public scrutiny if I mess up along the way or if I slip up. I'm okay with that. I deserve it. People should pay for hypocrisy and I’ll do my best not to be a hypocrite. I’m obviously going to get flack for this. I don’t know too many Christians who would go out on the Internet, where literally BILLIONS of people can see your thoughts, and say that they broke all the rules. That’s basically asking to be judged. And if you do judge, which I think is completely justified, please just me as an individual and don’t judge all Christians. I don’t need the guilt of ruining Christian’s global image on my shoulders as well as my own image, which I'm obviously not too torn up about either. I fully understand that even though I am moved out of my home my parents are still going to ground me for months and will probably not believe a single word I’ve said although I’ve tried my best to never flat out lie to them, just mask the truth which is just as bad. So bring on the pain because its 2009 now and it’s a clean slate for me in more than one respect. All that crap is officially in the past. It could be a decade ago to me. Time to move on and move forward. I want to apologize to all the people I have hurt directly and indirectly from my actions. I understand relationships may be ruined because of this but I pray that these people will extend a gracious hand and give me a clean slate as well. I want to thank the people who sat by and watched this and did their best to help. Katherine Shimel, Melanie Schow, Emily, all of you were just great. I especially want to thank Mel for putting up with me on my birthday on the phone (for hours I hear) it was an eye opener and the recent events that have occurred that you have been sworn to secrecy about (you should know what I'm talking about) are now public knowledge so tell whomever you please. The last thanks goes to Chad Peterson. That crazy even was the most ridiculous and will make a great story for the grand kids… ha it still makes me laugh. Chad, you opened my eyes that night/morning ;)

p.s. I apologize for the length of this and comment you for your perseverance! Thanks for listening. I fell a lot better now.